2 things that God has reminded me today:

1. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails

Love is more than what we think it is. It is not what the world thinks it is. Love is selfless and sometimes, it means that we love enough to allow someone else to love another.

   2.   God is still good

I am down with dry cough which makes me cough non-stop, even vomitting cos of the reflex. My lungs and throat constantly feels itchy and body aches. My mind feels tired and I am deprived of sleep.

I typed this in sms:

"I spent the whole night and morning asking God why I can't be healed. Got quite pekchek cos felt so uncomfotable, tired and can't even sleep. Wondered when the feeling will pass. But now i feel peace. And when housemate went out to backyard, saw this: A peak of bright, warm rays of sunlight and the tree swaying in the wind. Then I knew God is still good, and I can still praise Him even in these moments.

Even when I can't be healed this moment. Made me think about all the sick people who feels much worst than I do and having to go thru that everyday. Truly everything is His. My health, my life, my possessions. He gives and takes away. M awed. God is good, still good."

I never understood Job (in the bible). Today, I get a small glimpse of what it could have been for him....the thoughts, the sense of desperation, the turmoil of feelings happening inside. How he must have hung on to God.

So i believe in this: that God will restore my health and make me even more prosperous than before. My life is and will be blessed because this is His promise to us as His children.

Today, I woke up feeling unwell and was pretty much deciding between going for placement or not to. In the end, I chose the former.

I was feeling grumpy and on the way, I met grumpy people. And throughout the day, I kept feeling negative vibes and that made me sink lower. Then came the messages that are funnily enough, a continuation of the tirade of messages I've received these past few days that doesn't exactly help build my faith in humanity.

It's funny how when you start off the day negatively, you seem to meet negative people and receive negative messages and be in negative situations all day long. It got me thinking, and I know it's cos my heart is not in the right place in the first place that my thoughts and feelings ventured into all that negativity. And my heart is still not in its rightful place now.

I am tired. I am dry. I am hungry and thirsty. I am struggling within. I tried to convince myself that this is enough, that this is as far as I can go, that I'm giving up, that I quit. Then God prompted my heart to ask this question, 'Can you walk away from Me?'. And this is where all my self deceit fell apart. Because as much as I am tired and at the very edge of giving up everything- all my stands, all my works, all my efforts loving people, I can never walk away from God. 

Why, you may ask? I asked myself the same question, and it's not hard really to answer that question because I know it with all my heart, all my being. It's because I love God too much to. It's because I've tasted God and no other love can ever satisfy. It's because of how real He is in my life, and how big a part of my life already belongs to Him. It's because I've wandered away before and it took me alot of pain and misery before  finding my way back again.

It's true that people disappoint. It's true that it gets so physically, mentally and emotionally draining. It's true that it's hard to love. It's true that you give and give yet receive nothing in return. It's true that you sow and others reap. It's true that you find yourself alone at times with no one in sight.

It's funny how I sit here not knowing where I'm going or when I'll finally finish the race, or how I'm getting out from the mess I feel now. No matter how I crack my brain, I realize I only know who and why. I don't know when, where, or how, but I know God and I love Him.

And that is enough because I am learning to fix my eyes upon Him. Learning to trust Him completely. He is teaching me to be patient, to love when I can't, to stop being selfish, to be humble, to serve without wanting things in return, to be childlike in faith yet mature in Him, to be faithful in all things and in every season. 

Along the way, He will restore and renew me. He will give me stength to run this race, I may falter but I will finish this race. He will fill my heart so His life overflows. I'm struggling but I will struggle before Him until my breakthrough comes over things that are holding me down in my life; the first to go shall be this negativity. :)